Friday, August 21, 2009

Four words

After today’s earlier heaviosity, I offer a little contest for the weekend.

What is the funniest four-word message you can devise? A classic example is Robert Benchley’s cable to The New Yorker from Venice: “Streets flooded. Please advise.” (You can have a little leeway to establish a context.)

16 comments:

  1. "Sticks float. They wood."

    It's not an original, or even very funny, but it's the first thing that came to mind.

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  2. From a 1/30/09 Paul West blog item comment -

    Breaking News! Water wet!

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  3. To adapt two tropes at least as old as Mark Twain: "GROOM MISSING NO STORY", and "ARRIVED HELL SEND BLANKETS".

    This exchange of telegrams involves six words, but I think it's got the right spirit: "SEND FOOD" / "TIGHTEN BELT" / "SEND BELT".

    And, not funny but nevertheless famous in the biology world: "MONOTREMES VIVIPAROUS OVUM MEROBLASTIC" announcing the discovery that duck-billed platypuses really are egg-laying mammals.

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  4. Logos, Ethos, Pathos, D'Artagnan

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  5. Not broke -- unfix it.

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  6. McIntyre fixed his carburetor

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  7. Winky tinky ha-ha hut (Brazenly counting "ha-ha" as one word.)

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  8. Debts ignored, newspapers profitable.

    Your banker loves you.

    I do; not now.

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  9. Not an entry, but my favorite headline of all time:

    Foot heads arms body

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  10. The jazz pianist Dave Frishberg's matchless song "Blizzard of Lies" lends itself to many variations on this theme: Let's have lunch soon. Luggage is checked through. We've got inflation licked. Get back to you. (You want more, go track down the song online.)

    One more four-worder that isn't funny, but seems appropriate in the light of many recent posts: Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. (Those without the benefit of a strict Judeo-Christian education can consult the Book of Daniel in the Old Testament.)

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  11. To quote the ballplayer Joaquin Andujar: "In one word, youneverknow."

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  12. Fish hits wall. Damn.

    Broken vacuum: doesn't suck.

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  13. On the final exam for a particularly troublesome college senior: "Grade: F. Enjoy McDonald's."

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  14. David Belz
    Reminds me of the bet Hemingway took that he couldn't write a short story in six words. He won. His story? "For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn."

    Steve Sullivan
    George Bush is smart.

    Paul Algire
    codependency counseling, couples only

    Gene Fynes
    Aliens landing … why Cleveland??

    Paul Algire
    nymphomaniacs are f***ing everywhere

    Rob Smith
    Weekends are for beer.

    Robert Ofcrosskeys
    Strayer University degree programs

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  15. I believe the Benchley telegram is actually "Streets full of water, please advise." I hope so, because it's about fourteen times funnier that way.

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